Double Vision. I feel like exploring some feelings and experiences I have had living with double vision. Not sure what I am going to say about it. Might even change my mind. Is it worth it to write it down and rehash old memories? Maybe. Could be good to look back with a different sense of understanding. Gain some perspective. Funny how all these phrases are vision related.
I have spent most of my life pretending that I did not have double vision or trying to hide my condition from people. It is exhausting. On top of double vision I also have no lens in my right eye. It was damaged in the accident. If I close my left eye what I see through my right can be best described as what it looks like underwater without goggles. Most people don’t understand what it’s like. In the simplest terms it is an ever present challenge to stay in the NOW. A literal physical symptom of living a life of “duality,” to borrow a word from Richard Rohr. I guess it’s no mystery why I’ve been drawn to Rohr’s understanding of Christianity. I actually SEE the physical manifestation of it depending on where my mind and focus is at any given moment.
I think that’s all I want to write about it right now. Anyone else out there live with double vision?
“…plain life as lived by a Christian…in a spirit of faith, is a life redeemed by Christ. It is Christ’s life…When you eat breakfast. When you go to work, Christ is going to work. When you meet your brother…Christ meets Christ.”
“Our mentioning of the weather — our perfunctory observations on what kind of day it is — are perhaps not idle. Perhaps we have a deep and legitimate need to know in our entire being what the day is like, to see it and feel it, to know how the sky is grey, paler in the south, with patches of blue in the southwest, with snow on the ground, the thermometer at 18, and cold wind making your ears ache. I have a real need to know these things because I myself am part of the weather and part of the climate and part of the place, and a day in which I have not shared truly in all this is no day at all. It is certainly part of my life of prayer.”
~ Thomas Merton, Journal Entry on February 27, 1963
“Why do I keep relating to you as one of my many relationships, instead of my only relationship, in which all other ones are grounded ? Why do I keep looking for popularity, respect from others, success, acclaim, and sensual pleasures? Why, Lord, is it so hard for me to make you the only one? Why do i keep hesitating to surrender myself totally to you?
Help me, O Lord, to let my old self die, to let die the thousand big and small ways in which i am still building up my false self and trying to cling to my false desires. Let me be reborn in you and see through you the world in the right way, so that all my actions, words, thoughts can become a hymn of praise to you. I need your loving grace to travel on this hard road that leads to the death of my old self and to a new life in and for you. I know and trust that this is the road to freedom. Lord, dispel my mistrust and help me become a trusting friend.
~Henri Nouwen, A Cry For Mercy: Prayers From the Genesee
“Prayer is the experience of knowing that God is the source of everything we claim as our own. To pray is to say with Jesus, “Not my will, but yours. Not my words, but yours. Not my worth, but yours. Not my glory, but yours. Not in my name, but in yours.”