“A desire for communion has been a part of you since you were born. The pain of separation, which you experienced as a child and continue to experience now, reveals to you this deep hunger. All of your life you have searched for a communion that would break your fear of death. This desire is sincere. Don’t look upon it as an expression of neediness or as a symptom of your neurosis. It comes from God and is part of your true vocation.
Nonetheless, your fear of abandonment and rejection is so intense that your search for communion is often replaced by a longing for concrete expressions of friendship or affection. You want deep communion, but you end up looking for invitations, letters, phone calls, gifts and similar gestures. When these do not come in the way you wish, you start distrusting even your deep desire for communion. Your search for communion often takes place too far from where true communion can be found.
Still, communion is your authentic desire, and it will be given to you. But you have to dare to stop seeking gifts and favors like a petulant child and trust that your deepest longing will be fulfilled. Dare to lose your life and you will find it. Trust in Jesus’ words: “There is no one who has left house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children or land for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times as much, houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and land-and persecutions too-now in this present time, and in the world to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:29-30)
~ Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
Life without “floaties” doesn’t mean you aren’t supported. Learning to swim requires trust. Trust builds faith. Faith builds true communion. Dare to go for a swim in the deep end. Fear less.